When you’re in school, friendships often happen by default. You’re thrown together with the same people day after day, and proximity does a lot of the work. You become friends with your roommate, the person who sits next to you in class, a teammate, or whoever happens to be at the same party. Some of those friendships are genuine, but others are just… circumstantial.
Once you graduate and start working, those automatic friendships don’t just continue on autopilot. You have to actively choose who stays in your life, and that means taking a hard look at which friendships actually add value and which ones are just draining your energy.
Your 20s and 30s are when a lot of people start realizing that not every friendship is worth maintaining. The friend who was fun to party with in college might not be someone you want to spend time with now that your priorities have shifted. The person who was always there for group projects might turn out to be unreliable when it comes to real-life plans. And some friends who seemed fine when you saw them every day start to feel exhausting once you’re making an effort to see them.
Cutting people out of your life isn’t easy, and it’s not something you should do lightly. But recognizing when a friendship has run its course — or when it was never that healthy to begin with — choosing to be an adult. You don’t owe anyone your time and energy just because you’ve known them for years. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is break up with a friendship that isn’t serving you anymore.
The perpetual one-upper
Friendships require a level of support and understanding. There are times to celebrate successes and times to lean on the other person. But some people seem to have a superiority complex, and every time you accomplish something, they’ve done just a little bit better.
These people can be draining because they seem unable to give up the spotlight. Even when you have a personal success, like landing a new job, they’ll try to poke a hole in it and deflate you. Maybe they make more money, have flexible hours, or have a shorter commute — all of these comments only seem to serve the purpose of diminishing your accomplishments.
But you have to be honest with yourself: Is this person really trying to one-up you? Sometimes, your friend will have moments worth celebrating, and your perception can be marred by a twinge of jealousy. That’s a human emotion, but it doesn’t mean you have a bad friend. The people you want to kick out of your life are the ones who only want the spotlight and never give you a chance to shine.
The ‘you never talk to me’ friend
It feels like most people have a friend who wants to maintain the relationship, but when you reach out, they’re quick to complain that you seldom talk to them. Truth be told, they’re probably not lying, and you only contact them every few months. But you’re not complaining about the distance or infrequent communication; you recognize it as part of getting older.
This person fails to acknowledge that you’re not ignoring them — they’re not reaching out to you either. Relationships should be a two-way street, but this friend seems to expect you to do all the work. Moving forward, that would be the expectation, and you’d likely have to reach out more frequently just to appease their appetite for your attention.
The one who forgets about you
As you get older, your circle tends to get smaller. Some people won’t make the cut, but if you care about someone, they should reciprocate. At some point, you’re likely to have a friend who doesn’t include you in major life events like weddings or milestone birthdays.
If you have no doubt you would invite this person to your wedding or 30th birthday party, there’s a definite imbalance. You may want to discuss it, but if your feelings aren’t acknowledged, or you feel like the conversation wouldn’t be received well, that should tell you all you need to know. This relationship will become a strain, and it’s easier to let it sink than to fight to keep it afloat.
The forever mooch
Part of being a good friend is lending a hand when the other person is in need. There are times when someone needs a place to stay or their car is out of commission, and you offer them a spare bed or car rides. While you shouldn’t expect anything major in return, you’d expect some semblance of gratitude — but sometimes, that’s missing.
Some people are too comfortable taking, but they seldom give back. If you have a friend who’s draining your time, energy, and wallet, you need to consider if the relationship is worth the cost. Especially if you feel like a burden when you ask for a favor, but when they’re in need, you’re happy to help out.
The backstabber
Friendships have some lines you don’t cross, and it’s smart to set some boundaries with friends, especially as you get older and there’s more at stake. If someone seriously violates your trust and does something you deem unforgivable (like stealing money, sharing a deep secret, or trying to seduce your partner), drop them. You’re not obligated to repair a relationship that your “friend” treated as trivial.
Not only will this save you from more drama in the long run, but it will also set a precedent. It shows that you’re loyal, but when trust is broken, you’re not going to forgive easily. And you don’t have. Even if your friend apologizes, you’re not obligated to accept the apology. If you don’t think you’ll ever get past the betrayal, the relationship has no worthwhile future.
To break up with a friend or not
Ultimately, you get to determine whether or not you want to maintain a friendship, and you should expect some people to grow more distant as you get older. So before you do something drastic, ask yourself if you’d be wrong to cut ties with this person. If you feel you’re making a mistake, you might want to take steps to rectify the relationship before a true BFF breakup.
But you can only try so much. If you do delete a friend from your life, give yourself some grace. It’s a hard thing to do, and it’s somewhat unconventional to break up with a friend. So if you take this approach, it’s probably for a reason.
Friends you may wan to keep around
There are many sources online telling you which friends to cut out of your life. There are some friends who you may not want to see too frequently, but you shouldn’t delete their contact information. Here are five people I’d recommend keeping at a distance, but still keeping a line of communication.
The partier — You probably know someone who was the life of the party back in college, and they’re still living in their party days. You never know, you might want to contact them if you get a wild hair and want a night out. Or, you may want to keep the lines of communication open in case they need help. You can offer a hand as a way of thanking them for all the fun you had years ago.
The gossip — Some people live to tell secrets and spread rumors. If you know a gossip, tread lightly, but you’ve already identified their personality. Contact them if you need information, but don’t share any secrets that can’t get out.
The one who ghosted you years ago — Sometimes people stop communicating with you, and you have no idea why. This can be hurtful, but you don’t know what’s going on in their head. They could have been depressed, preoccupied with a life event, or infatuated with their new partner. If this person can admit they treated you poorly, they’re showing signs of self-awareness, and you may want to hear them out.
The negative Nancy — Most people aren’t always cheerful, but this person never has anything good to say. While people tend to avoid pessimistic energy, there may be a reason this person is a constant downer. Give them a chance to open up to you, and if nothing else, they’re probably a good person to vent to.
The energy drainer — There are some people you dread seeing, not because they’re mean, but because you feel exhausted talking to them. Maybe you feel you’ve outgrown this relationship, or maybe this person just talks a lot. But here’s the thing: This person wants to include you in their life. Perhaps you need to set some boundaries, but if you cut off a person who smothering you with kindness, you’ll probably walk away looking like a jerk.